*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
screw you
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.