“What?”
– Jude
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Hard not to take this personally
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]