Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen