I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me buying fruit and veg
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
🪶
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Print is alive and well!!!
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.