WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Gods work.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs