Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset