My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.