If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You Might Also Like
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Flock of bats
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
jesus christ confetti not now