*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
You Might Also Like
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?