Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.