my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
that wasn’t the question
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
This is amazing.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days