“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.