When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower