If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
black phone good
plums roundup
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
This raises questions
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets