Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
You Might Also Like
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.