What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.