ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You Might Also Like
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing