Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis