Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.