My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”