Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
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Him: You鈥檙e pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I鈥檓 pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I鈥檓 not smiling because I like you, I鈥檓 smiling because I鈥檓 imagining a piano landing on your head.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
forget nudes: in 2019 we鈥檙e sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn鈥檛 seen her fourth husband in some time.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they鈥檙e getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
at the mcdonald鈥檚 self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don鈥檛 know how to drive
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO鈥橲 READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons