I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.