Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.