Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
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(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?