A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Aaaa…CHOO!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?