2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Tuesday
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it