Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Good morning
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.