My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
meanwhile over on facebook
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.