4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
ugh not again
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork