Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Strangers have the best candy.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I see your IQ test came back negative
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.