Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings