looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”