looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.