She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !