(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.