[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Can’t stop laughing
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
U talkin 2 me?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
This made me smile…
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.