Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Wedding planning is organized crime.