Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
It do be feeling this way.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.