*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
🤣🤣
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf