Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?