[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Storm Tropical Storm
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”