Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
There are no pants in heaven.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.