Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what