Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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uncle dave has been through hell
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.