skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.