skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT