How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
he chose this
thank god
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.