[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?