The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.