She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*watches the world burn*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up