6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot