Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
For the ones in the back.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m already scared
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.